i want to...

know more
love more
be more
i have this rather new new years tradition
i sit by myself (alone time is so necessary to my continuance it ranks up there with air)
i bring into mind all the things i want to let go of in the coming year
i write them down one by one
when i am done
i take one and read it aloud to myself
and i think
"what will letting go of this mean to my life?"
and this is a serious quesion
most of the things i want to let go of
automatically require such huge changes in the core of me
that it will hurt to let go
and so i think of these things
and i try to be grateful for the purpose they served
for instance
last time around i wanted to let go of my fear of vulnerability
now this fear has saved me more times than i can count
and i have built much of my identity on being invulnerable
therefore letting this go
has immense repercussions
scary repercusions
im still wondering if i really do want this
but alas i write it down
i read it over and think about what my life would be like with out this fear
who i would be without it
and then i burn it
after all have been taken in turn and burned
i spread the ashes with gratitude
then i write down
one by one
all the things that i want to bring into my life in the coming year
i wrap them up in a pretty paper
and i save them

i have a package
wrapped in silver
tied with curly strings
that lies in my drawer
its been there for a year
and it whispers of all the things my past self wished for me
and i am excited
and terrified
to open it next week
have i accomplished these things?
will failure bind me to those ashes?
ill let you know
1/1/2006

sometimes i wanna cry...

without any real reason.
not that i couldnt verbalize the accompanying feeling, its just that i dont see any outer precipitating cause for the emotional reaction.
it feels more like...like its been a while since i let that energy flow and now i have no choice but to let it go.
it can happen at any time, even the most inappropriate, like at work in my not so private little cubicle. and so i swallow it. which just makes it stronger and gives the impulse more of a hold on my every interaction. i then walk around all day with the ever present knowledge that at any moment, i could lose it. i am vigilant in my lookout for any quiver of my upper lip, any drying of my mouth, any limping of my smile. i find that my jaw begins to ache with the exertion of keeping that smile firm. but that smile, i feel, is the only thing keeping my eyes dry, fake as it may be.
funny how that works.
the bad part is that i hold it so long, so strong, keeping it out of anyones possible view, god forbid they see the weakness in me, that when i finally reach the haven of my home and decide ok now you can let it go, let it run down my cheeks with total abandone, there is a strike. the tears reruit there flow and retreat in doors.
they leave behind the ache, the desparate need to shed, but take the ability to shed with them in their retreat.
what do i do now? how do i let them know that this is it, the appropriate time we have been waiting for?
or do i just wait?
my only route of action at this point comes in a chilled glass. perhaps enebriation will free them from their bitter strike and me from my bitter tyranny.
perhaps, but at this moment, two glasses in, and my eyes are so dry they burn, they are aflame with their distaste for my stubborn claim on control.
perhaps someday i will learn that this semblance of control is but a fantasy and those tears are the only reality i can take hold of. maybe someday.

somebody stole my spirit!

ever since i was a little girl i have loved nothing in life more than christmas. sure the day itself was generally riddled with the kind of saddening disappointment that only my family can render, but up until that point, i have always loved it.
i love decorating. i love buying presents for other people. i love the parties, the cookies, the music. i love it all.
but this year...nothing.
i dont have a tree. the lights are not up. i have only managed to buy one person's gifts, and that was a battle.
im just not feeling it. the thought makes me a little nauseous to be honest. like right now my head is a little dizzy and i could throw up a little just at the thought.
so whats my problem?
someone stole my spirit!
see i think that last year i tucked my spirit away for good keeping, you know to keep it nice and fresh and clean for this year, and when i went looking for it, it was gone. someone small and with a nasty countenance must have snuck into my house while i slept and slithered away with my spirit! or maybe it got lost in the move? i mean who would want to take my spirit. its not like they are one size fits all or anything! mine only fits me!!!
but now, as i am writing this i have this nagging little question that that voice deep inside my thoughts, the one that i often ignore, is quietly insisting i ask myself.
do i want it back?