but he does these things...

i know i have tendency to imagine things that are not real,
and a tendency to exaggerate the meaning of little things that probably have very little real meaning,
and even sometimes i am paranoid,
but sometimes it seems things are too obvious for me to be making it up.

ok maybe obvious isnt the right word, but clear enough to someone who pays attention, as i do.
and maybe its not just me that he does these things for,
maybe he really has a superhero complex and wants to swoop in and save any poor damzel in distress.
thats probably the case, but even that,
the saving of someone,
thats a fairly intimate thing to do isnt it?

he knows somehow in the group conversation when i am faltering,
when ive lost my point,
or meandered too far from the target,
or when i am getting too uncomfortable and the anxitey starts to set in,
and just in those moments, he swoops in.
he looks at me and im not even trying to plead for help,
its too early for even me to know i need to be saved from myself,
and there he is with a knowing glance and a story to distract.
he often tells stories or jokes that are self depricating,
maybe to pull the judgemental glare towards himself, away from me??
ok maybe that is giving him too much.

maybe he is just as anxious over all as i am and when he feels my anxiety rise he has automatic defenses that kick in that just happen to save me as much as they save him.
that sounds more on target.

but i like to believe it is a more conscious action than that,
that he is actually watching me,
feeling me,
and his intention is to save me when i am lost.
that he knows,
and thus cares...
you think?

At this point in my life...

(excuse my extensive quoting in this entry)

"At this point in my life i've done so many things wrong i don't know if I can do right If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down. If you give me a chance I'll try. You see it's a hard road the rad i've been travelling on. And if i take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin. i've had a hrad life. i'm just saying so you'll understand that right now right now i'm doing the best I can at this point in my life. At this point in my life although I've mostly walked in the shadows i'm still searshing for the light. Won't you put your faith in me. We both that's waht matters. if you give me a chance i'll try. You see i've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down. I've been reaching high but always losing ground. You see i've conquered hills but still have mountains to climb. And right now right now I'm doing the best I can at this point in my life. Before we take a step Before we walk down that path before i make any promises Before you have regrets Before we talk commitment let me tell you of my past All i've seen and all I've done The things I'd like to forget At this point in my life at this point in my life I'd like to live as if only love mattered as if redemption was in sight As if the search to live honestly was all that anyone needs No matter if you find it You see when I've touched the sky the earth's gravity pulled me down But now I've reconciled that is this world birds and angels get the wongs to fly If you can believe in this heart of mine If you can give it a try Then I'll reach inside and fine and give you All teh sweetness that I have At this point in my life At thispoint in my life." (Tracy Chapman 1992)

This is my anthem,
I told my roommate yesterday,
and she said that it was sad,
both the song and presumably that I would want it as my anthem.
but i did not find it so sad,
more comforting.
because she is seeing where she really is, right now.
and accepting it, as is.
not with any delusion about how it came to be or what the future holds,
and without coming down on herself for not being more.
this is who i am,
right now.
can you take it?

how could that be sad?
what has she lost in accepting that she is fallible?
no matter how many delusions one may have about their own meaning,
in the end you are nothing more
than what you are
right now.