kissing girls in corners...

a dozen or so years
and i still love it,
im that girl
who kisses girls in dark corners.

but now more woman than girl
there is more at stake,
or i am more aware of those stakes.

three girls
in as many weeks
loving me
when i didnt know it.
i thought we were just
kissing in corners,
while they were falling in love...

i could claim ignorance,
oblivion,
but its not all truth.
i knew i was adored.
i just chose not to see
to what extent,
to what demise.
but its always in their eyes.

the thing is
i like being adored.
i like feeling her love
i like the way her eyes caress me,
the way her hand on my body
electrifies her.

she said she wouldve been my girlfriend at any point.
and i told her i didnt know that.
and i didnt.
denial, hope
that she could play with her body and not her heart,
the way i do.

but now i think,
the disservice was not so much theirs.
heart shaken,
enlivened by the twist.
i dont have that.
havent had that in that same dozen years.

maybe it is time to stop kissing girls in dark corners,
maybe its time to love just one

in the light.

30

and i'm leaving the darkness
like a fin
flying south for the winter.

mothering myself,
warmed in a cast iron skillet.
but even the south can't hold me
not at 30.
my right heel rooted.
my left toes,
just tickling the hot earth,
kicking up dust balls
held together with cat hair
and 600 days.

but my left is pulling
my right,
moving on
and packing light
for a very long stay.
a torrent of tears
easing the way.

i stopped running,
and found my stillness moving forward.
i lifted my chin,
and felt my face fall.
i exfoliated
and found a child's sadness
sloughed to the floor
all around me
at 30.

Una's Lament

i learned while i was still young
before even memory
perhaps before breath
that life's purpose
was to tie one's self
to the soul's desire

and so i set out upon this earth
and then further
over the great waters of the world
to find my anchor.

i counted myself lucky when
i was still young
in both spirit & body
when i wrapped myself up,
bound to that desire.
thus found,
so quickly my ties became shackles
binding me to his madness.

and then,
the mad
left me alone.
i inhaled sorrow
and at once
exhaled relief.

within a breath
again i was tied.
more right and true,
i embraced my anchor.

ropes & sailors knots
kept me bound,
though the world's waters
swelled between me
& my love.

for a space of four years
for a space of a few summer months
i knew my childhood lesson
proved right,
and happiness swelled within me,
within my belly.

but no sooner had my happiness
danced before the hearth
than a beast rose up
between me and my peace.
a dark anger greater than the waters
was i now anchored to.

what now is my courageous heart to think?
that to chase desire
both in honesty
and earnestness
is folly?
or worse yet,
sin?
punishable by the gods
with unreason and wrath?

was i better left untied?

better yet, tethered only to my loneliness
and thus not at the mercy
of an other's
wayward streams?

to have loved and lost
than never at all
but at what cost?