sometimes i wanna cry...

without any real reason.
not that i couldnt verbalize the accompanying feeling, its just that i dont see any outer precipitating cause for the emotional reaction.
it feels more like...like its been a while since i let that energy flow and now i have no choice but to let it go.
it can happen at any time, even the most inappropriate, like at work in my not so private little cubicle. and so i swallow it. which just makes it stronger and gives the impulse more of a hold on my every interaction. i then walk around all day with the ever present knowledge that at any moment, i could lose it. i am vigilant in my lookout for any quiver of my upper lip, any drying of my mouth, any limping of my smile. i find that my jaw begins to ache with the exertion of keeping that smile firm. but that smile, i feel, is the only thing keeping my eyes dry, fake as it may be.
funny how that works.
the bad part is that i hold it so long, so strong, keeping it out of anyones possible view, god forbid they see the weakness in me, that when i finally reach the haven of my home and decide ok now you can let it go, let it run down my cheeks with total abandone, there is a strike. the tears reruit there flow and retreat in doors.
they leave behind the ache, the desparate need to shed, but take the ability to shed with them in their retreat.
what do i do now? how do i let them know that this is it, the appropriate time we have been waiting for?
or do i just wait?
my only route of action at this point comes in a chilled glass. perhaps enebriation will free them from their bitter strike and me from my bitter tyranny.
perhaps, but at this moment, two glasses in, and my eyes are so dry they burn, they are aflame with their distaste for my stubborn claim on control.
perhaps someday i will learn that this semblance of control is but a fantasy and those tears are the only reality i can take hold of. maybe someday.