Dr. Seuss may still be right.

I am being tested at work right now.
my work ethic, my personal philosophy, my idealism.
there are forces at work that may be intended to squash what i consider best in me. and today i must make a decision about how i am going to react.
my colleagues, those being faced with the same existential crisis, have decided today to do only what they must, what is minimally expected of them. and i see the appeal of such a choice, but as i write this i also see that this makes their (i.e. the powers that be, the squashers themselves) accusations true. they have created a self fulfilling prophesy that my colleagues have decided to fulfill for them. now this may show them the ere of their ways, it may prove the point my colleagues wish to make. but most likely, it will not. it will put wind in the sails of those powers.
i dont want to put wind in any sails that detract from my vision, my mission.
one of my interns left a post-it on my computer last night. this is what it said:

"Be who you are
and say what you feel,
because those who
mind don't matter
and those who
matter don't mind."
Dr. Suess

I think hes right. i did this today, i said what i felt, and it may very well have been the politically worst thing i could do. but when i walked into the room with the kids i work with, i knew i had done what i needed to do in order to stand in front of them and have anything worth while to give them. i had to do it to be able to look myself in the mirror tomorrow morning.
and for days now, even before the proverbial shit hit the fan, i have heard these words in my head:
"you must be the change you want to see in the world."
and so, i will be that change, whatever the outcome may be.
idealism intact (at least for today).

"power corrupts"

i work in a field bred by optimists.
the only reason to do the work i do is for love of the work and love of the people i work with.
there is no money. there is no prestige.
one would think that it would be a field littered with idealists.
but what i have found is a field littered with the burned out decaying bodies of the idealists beaten down before me, and the pillars of decadent power beating them down.
if there is no money, and there is no prestige, how. . .why would power mongers even enter our realms?
i have given this endless thought, especially lately.
the only answer i have come up with is...'power corrupts.'
were these pillars of corruption once idealists walking in the same combat boots i wear now? that trudged these fields i trudge, with the same idealistic love of humanity that i have? and then climbed a ladder, a ladder that was set before them in the guise of helpfulness.
"climb this ladder and you can help so many more, you can reach so many more lives"
but the heights dizzied them, and they forgot why they climbed, why they walked the field in the first place. they could only see their relative height, relative to me.
and a ladder becomes a pillar, an immovable pillar.
and even with this i still believe in the best of mankind, i believe in man's inherent goodness.
and then i ask...
what will i do when that ladder is set before me?

fuck boys, there are more important things...

sometimes i surprise myself when i look back at old journals and blogs and such by how much i can whine about boys. it seems strange to me now, when i spent most of today worrying about the state of my idealistic notions, my purpose, how i can save the kids i work with and not crumble under the politics of who has what power over whom.
some things can augment, but shouldnt be allowed to detract from what i have. what i do. who i am.
so days ago when i wrote that there is nothing worse than liking someone who doesnt like you back, i was caught under the fog of my own limited vision. there are worse things.
losing my idealism.
losing my path, my purpose.
losing my love for my work.
losing my energy.
getting lost.
forgetting why i am here.
that would be worse.

"guys dont like being chased"

thats what they told me when i said that i was finally giving up on him. they said they dont want to be chased. they want to be the chaser. and here i thought we were too old to be playing those games. the 5 to 7 days, playing coy i know you want me so i dont want you nonsense is old. i want to say "i like you" and have you tell me back whether or not you do too.
if i have to play you to get you, what the hell can be made of that once i got you?
can a relationhip built on a game ever be anything more than play?
so fuck you if you dont want to be chased. im not chasing. im gonna sit right here. not waiting.
im not waiting. really!

Facing Fears.

I decided to start this blogging adventure because it scares the hell out of me. the idea that random people, let alone people I know, could read my private thoughts at their leisure, that i wouldnt know who was reading, or what, or why, terrifies me. i try to always know. its my most controling feature, and apparently i have a few. but i want to know everything that has to do with me. and on this i wont. i cant know.
but i have this idea that i am supposed to face my fears, go head long right into them. who gave me this idea? who says that their is anything to be gained from facing your fears? maybe there are somethings in life better left undone.
i didnt even believe that while i was writing it.
i know why i do it.
i just dont like it.

its days later now and i have decided to give up. not surrender. give up. there is nothing in the world worse than liking someone more than they like you.
ok maybe a few things, poverty, hunger, homelessness wise, but whatever im exaggerating because it feels that big. it feels like everything.
i drank too much last night. with work people. all my work people, boss included. and i dont remember the end of the night. not an unusual occurence. but now people are saying things about me dancing. and i dont remember dancing.
thats not good right?
but the point is that all of that and everything else i could be concerning myself with, i.e. work, is so so secondary to my giving up that it doesnt really rate.
i hate giving up.