nobody broke my heart

theres this line in the eliott smith song, alameda,
that kills me every time i hear it
"nobody broke your heart
you broke your own
because you cant finish what you start"
this line has always killed me
in that i dont quite understand kinda way

i always try to catch more of the lyrics around this line
in order to better understand his intent
hoping to find mine
but then he says that line
and i am shocked deaf
not in the actually not hearing way
but that my senses are
dulled
for just a moment
but it makes me miss the next line
and so i have no context
all i know is the line kills me

then today in the car on the way home
the song came on
and i heard the line
and my chest hurt
and she turned to me and said
"this is your song"
no provocation
just spontaneous validation

but look at what she is validating
nobody ever broke my heart
never
but i have broken it several times
all by myself

and he is suggesting
that that is directly correlated to
my lack of follow through
and i ask
what if those are just
necessary false starts?

i make impulsive decisions sometimes
i have very poor
delay of gratification
skills

if i like a smell
i will eat it
regardless of hunger
if i see something pretty in the moment
i will buy it
i am the advertising industries wet dream

so in the name of balance
i have compensated by creating a decision making process
to help me

i do what amounts to a cost benefit analysis
i run the possible scenarios
to their inevitable end
and assess the probablity of a positive outcome
for all involved

the psychic at the bar last night
told me i had the same gift as her
and thats why they think we,
she and i,
are bitches.
i think shes right
only my only gift
is seeing the end.

and so i am neccesarily preoccupied with the ending
from the beginning
maybe thats why everyone thinks i know what im talking about
or at least that i think i do
because by the time that i am talking about this issue with you
i have already performed my own cost benefit analysis
based on the probabilities
of every outcome i could think of.
its as close to knowing the answer before the question is asked
that i can get to.
i explained this to her,
in not so many terms,
i said "its not controlling...
its aggressive understanding."

she laughed
and so did i
but i think its true
for me anyway
this is somewhat defining for me.

i want to understand
i want to make informed decisions
but i am naturally predisposed to
impulsivity
how do i rectify that?

false starts

i think it has to do with my personal philosophy
based on my attempt to always stay
in the flow
when i dont know
i try all options in front of me
till one prevails
and the others fade
but im trying to update this process
to allow for the added variable
of other people.
im trying to make more responsible choices.
in that effort i make false starts.
i often dont finish what i start.
if i am trying out four different options
three will necesarily fail.
if not all four.
the odds arent good.
but i only need one to succeed.