i want to...

know more
love more
be more
i have this rather new new years tradition
i sit by myself (alone time is so necessary to my continuance it ranks up there with air)
i bring into mind all the things i want to let go of in the coming year
i write them down one by one
when i am done
i take one and read it aloud to myself
and i think
"what will letting go of this mean to my life?"
and this is a serious quesion
most of the things i want to let go of
automatically require such huge changes in the core of me
that it will hurt to let go
and so i think of these things
and i try to be grateful for the purpose they served
for instance
last time around i wanted to let go of my fear of vulnerability
now this fear has saved me more times than i can count
and i have built much of my identity on being invulnerable
therefore letting this go
has immense repercussions
scary repercusions
im still wondering if i really do want this
but alas i write it down
i read it over and think about what my life would be like with out this fear
who i would be without it
and then i burn it
after all have been taken in turn and burned
i spread the ashes with gratitude
then i write down
one by one
all the things that i want to bring into my life in the coming year
i wrap them up in a pretty paper
and i save them

i have a package
wrapped in silver
tied with curly strings
that lies in my drawer
its been there for a year
and it whispers of all the things my past self wished for me
and i am excited
and terrified
to open it next week
have i accomplished these things?
will failure bind me to those ashes?
ill let you know
1/1/2006