riding horses is harder than it used to be.

i decided about a month ago that a year and a half was long enough.
it was time to get back on the horse.
i didnt know how.
in fact, i didnt even see a horse to get on.
i asked around, said i was looking for a horse.

have you ever seen that episode of seinfeld where george decides that everything he usually does gets him no where, so he tries doing the opposite of his every impulse?

my old techniques were obviously beyond their usefullness.
so i did the opposite.
every 'horse' offered, i took out for a ride.
and before i knew it,
i was dating
four men
in one week.
when it rains, it pours.

somewhere between the third and fourth date, i got tired.
i spent that whole day in bed.
when fourth date called at 5, i was still in bed.
its exausting to spend all your time with strangers.
but i went out with number four, and i like him.
i actually like numbers 2 through 4.

but things get complicated.
they are not there quite yet
but i spent yesterday's therapy session trying to figure out
how to tell if i like a guy,
i mean really like him,
how soon to have sex,
can i have sex with more than one man?
and the most exausting question,
how do i let him down?

its the first thing i think of when i go on a date
how am i going to get out of this one?
maybe not the healthiest way to start a possible relationship,
but it is my way.
but didnt i say i was going to do the opposite this time?
so what do i do now?
should i instead be thinking how do i get into this one?
or do i just stop thinking?

stop thinking.
thats what my therapist said.

then she asked who i liked
ive never been good at this question
it generally takes me around 3 to 4 months to know if i like the guy
and if there is more than one to compare
well then the time frame becomes more complicated
numbers 2 though 4
number 2 is maybe the sweetest, most thoughtful, and traditional man
ive ever been with
and hes hot
which helps,
but he works in finance,
which does not help.

number 3 is a philospher.
nobody else seems to like this idea
but it thrills me
we talked for eight hours on our date last saturday
it was really nice to talk like that with someone who thinks like i do
on the same page
which is good
i have no physical attraction to him
which is not good.

number four
i have actually seen him the longest
he was the first
hes a fireman
and i think i like him
and i know i am incredibly attracted to him
but he is also the most distant.
maybe not that into me?
and so i like him best.
but that is the old way
to like the most unavailable man in the room.
but i dont want to give up either.

so what do i do?
who do i choose?
how long can i go on dating three men?
do i have to tell them?
what about sex? can i? with who?

riding horses is harder than it used to be.