so as it turns out...

i dont like men.
not so much because i like women
because im not sure
thats any more true.
i dont like men because
i dont trust men.

men fall into two categories
for me.
the perfectly nice, well meaning, even openly loving man
like my father
but impotent
unable to make any change.
the other,
the direct threat.

this man
sets himself as an opponent
against my resistance.
this man tells you he loves you
and that he will fight
for you
against all your defenses.
but whether it was right then,
or if it became somewhere along the way,
it is about power.
his over me.

he will fight.
hes not lying about it.
and it may take three weeks or three months,
and he will passionately run like quixote
against my windmills.
but he will defeat me.
eventually i stop fighting,
often more for weariness,
than any true desire.
and i am his.

though once i am won,
i must resign myself to that small me.
and he?
he leaves.
taking the spoils of battle with him.

i do not like to lose.
and i dont often.
i in fact,
i almost never play anymore.
apathy has set its sights on my personal future.

i cant play a game
i dont want to lose and
i dont want to win.

missing me.

im not special
im not amazing
im not even all that good
and i wanted her
to tell me
what i am
but she didnt
maybe she couldnt
maybe im just not

i wanted a gandolf
you told me no
not even a mentor
this time
i just wanted
i only wanted
insight
and again
(still)
i am on my own
my own standards
my own stories
my own path
alone.
free will
willing me
filling me
spilling me
freedom is different
than liberty
but everything
is about power
more than the having,
interpersonal relations
are not that simple
but kind
and place
and motive
determining transition
position
translation
deportation
middle class membership
conditionally granted
and thus my view
necessarily slanted
planted
in a photograph
of a memory
20 years removed
and nostalgia,
like a malignant disease,
my attempt
at identity.
"who am i
without who i thought id be?"

because i am not enough

to do both.