cancer's fantasies
"CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Love at first sight may be a matter of
instinctively recognizing someone who will allow you to continue in
comfortingly familiar--and often destructive--patterns learned in
childhood." So said Salon.com's Lisa Zeidner in her review of Maggie
Scarf's book *Intimate Partners.* Make that idea your watchword in the
coming weeks. Let it be the beacon that guides you away from the
sentimental illusions about romance that you may still be drawn to. After
all, there are few things that undermine authentic love more than infantile
wishes and naive fantasies. Happy Valentine Daze, Cancerian!"
(Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology)
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I mean, ok so i know that my...avid fantasy life may have supported my tendency towards unrealistic expectations, which then leads to my tendency to nit pic at the littlest things and then of course to the inevitable cut and run. but can you really blame the fantasies for that?
not long ago deb asked me if maybe the reason why i havent found anyone i wanted to be with was because i didnt have a clear picture of what i wanted (only what i dont). and i thought "well that is obviously not the problem as i spend countless hours imagining just that." but im not sure i do. see, due to the nature of fantasies, you must have some kind of framework to work from, visuals, a bit of personality and the like, and it is far easier to barrow those things from an already known person than to create them. call it emotional laziness. and so i use people i know, and like, in some way or another, but can not actually be with as my ...framework. this does then open up the possibility of an unhealthy attachment to these men that i cant have. and i am already aware of my tendency towards unavailable men.
so i guess thats one thing.
but can i really blame my fantasies for my escapist attitude towards relationships?
so i know that i leave relationships just when the guy says those three words. there is something in the words that freaks me out and then i start to think about how fast things are moving and do i really feel that way about this guy and then there is the way he snorts when he laughs and do i really want to have to listen to that for the rest of my life? or the guy who puts sugar in his iced tea, i mean what does that say about a man's long term potential? and god forbid i get stuck with the guy who reads the wrong newspaper, you know, the one that opens like a book rather than a paper? there are so many traps to get stuck in! yeah alright, so it might not actually be about the newspaper. its about their inability to measure up to my expectations of what it means to be 'in love.' and i put that in quotation marks due to my lack of experience with the topic. not that i profess never to have been in love. i loved one man, though i couldnt really pull that out while i was with him. yeah it took some time to be able to say it, even in my head, and believe it. when exactly? well some time in february of 2001 i think. the relationship ended in november...of 1997. im a little slow. to make it worse, this one man that i ever loved that i didnt know it until it had been almost four years since id seen him, was the only man i loved since i was fourteen. fourteen till i was twenty something, and i didnt know it. he knew it. he told me. which of course made me defensive. and i eventually ran from him too. he may have even been the first one i ran from. ok but thats not really the point i was making, its just that he is getting married soon...not to me if you hadnt noticed, and so his presence in my fantasies has taken on a new level, even for him, who is really the foundation for all the fantasies in the first place. so maybe that is the point.
i hold onto fantasies of a man who i was never able to love while i was with him, just after, as my ideal, and then have followed that up with a myriad of short term fantasy replacements that if they were ever to become reality would themselves not live up to the fantasy ideal. in fact, i dont think dominic could live up to it now. its too late, the image is too big. i have built my fantasy image into an impossible ideal that no man will ever live up to.
oh my god. rob brezny was right.
what do i do now?
instinctively recognizing someone who will allow you to continue in
comfortingly familiar--and often destructive--patterns learned in
childhood." So said Salon.com's Lisa Zeidner in her review of Maggie
Scarf's book *Intimate Partners.* Make that idea your watchword in the
coming weeks. Let it be the beacon that guides you away from the
sentimental illusions about romance that you may still be drawn to. After
all, there are few things that undermine authentic love more than infantile
wishes and naive fantasies. Happy Valentine Daze, Cancerian!"
(Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology)
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I mean, ok so i know that my...avid fantasy life may have supported my tendency towards unrealistic expectations, which then leads to my tendency to nit pic at the littlest things and then of course to the inevitable cut and run. but can you really blame the fantasies for that?
not long ago deb asked me if maybe the reason why i havent found anyone i wanted to be with was because i didnt have a clear picture of what i wanted (only what i dont). and i thought "well that is obviously not the problem as i spend countless hours imagining just that." but im not sure i do. see, due to the nature of fantasies, you must have some kind of framework to work from, visuals, a bit of personality and the like, and it is far easier to barrow those things from an already known person than to create them. call it emotional laziness. and so i use people i know, and like, in some way or another, but can not actually be with as my ...framework. this does then open up the possibility of an unhealthy attachment to these men that i cant have. and i am already aware of my tendency towards unavailable men.
so i guess thats one thing.
but can i really blame my fantasies for my escapist attitude towards relationships?
so i know that i leave relationships just when the guy says those three words. there is something in the words that freaks me out and then i start to think about how fast things are moving and do i really feel that way about this guy and then there is the way he snorts when he laughs and do i really want to have to listen to that for the rest of my life? or the guy who puts sugar in his iced tea, i mean what does that say about a man's long term potential? and god forbid i get stuck with the guy who reads the wrong newspaper, you know, the one that opens like a book rather than a paper? there are so many traps to get stuck in! yeah alright, so it might not actually be about the newspaper. its about their inability to measure up to my expectations of what it means to be 'in love.' and i put that in quotation marks due to my lack of experience with the topic. not that i profess never to have been in love. i loved one man, though i couldnt really pull that out while i was with him. yeah it took some time to be able to say it, even in my head, and believe it. when exactly? well some time in february of 2001 i think. the relationship ended in november...of 1997. im a little slow. to make it worse, this one man that i ever loved that i didnt know it until it had been almost four years since id seen him, was the only man i loved since i was fourteen. fourteen till i was twenty something, and i didnt know it. he knew it. he told me. which of course made me defensive. and i eventually ran from him too. he may have even been the first one i ran from. ok but thats not really the point i was making, its just that he is getting married soon...not to me if you hadnt noticed, and so his presence in my fantasies has taken on a new level, even for him, who is really the foundation for all the fantasies in the first place. so maybe that is the point.
i hold onto fantasies of a man who i was never able to love while i was with him, just after, as my ideal, and then have followed that up with a myriad of short term fantasy replacements that if they were ever to become reality would themselves not live up to the fantasy ideal. in fact, i dont think dominic could live up to it now. its too late, the image is too big. i have built my fantasy image into an impossible ideal that no man will ever live up to.
oh my god. rob brezny was right.
what do i do now?
posted by Solador at 6:45 PM
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