Facing Fears.

I decided to start this blogging adventure because it scares the hell out of me. the idea that random people, let alone people I know, could read my private thoughts at their leisure, that i wouldnt know who was reading, or what, or why, terrifies me. i try to always know. its my most controling feature, and apparently i have a few. but i want to know everything that has to do with me. and on this i wont. i cant know.
but i have this idea that i am supposed to face my fears, go head long right into them. who gave me this idea? who says that their is anything to be gained from facing your fears? maybe there are somethings in life better left undone.
i didnt even believe that while i was writing it.
i know why i do it.
i just dont like it.

its days later now and i have decided to give up. not surrender. give up. there is nothing in the world worse than liking someone more than they like you.
ok maybe a few things, poverty, hunger, homelessness wise, but whatever im exaggerating because it feels that big. it feels like everything.
i drank too much last night. with work people. all my work people, boss included. and i dont remember the end of the night. not an unusual occurence. but now people are saying things about me dancing. and i dont remember dancing.
thats not good right?
but the point is that all of that and everything else i could be concerning myself with, i.e. work, is so so secondary to my giving up that it doesnt really rate.
i hate giving up.