horticultural success

success is a strange thing.
you work for something, something very particular,
for a long time, a very long time.
and then you get it.

or lets go back a step.
you start to get it.
all the little seeds that you had planted
and tended to
for months, or years or decades,
they start to sprout.
they are pushing up through the soil.
and they are in that stage
where their heads are all bent and unfolding and
you can watch and predict what they will look like when they are
grown.
and you cant help but be excited for them.
but then you start to think
can i really do this?
am i ready for this?
what if i fail?

and your breath stops under your collar bones
your teeth hurt and
your insides curl into an aqueduct

thats what fear feels like to me.

all the false starts are falling away.
there are just two plants
left viable.
and they are beautiful plants.
really beautiful.
and im really falling into stride with their care.
and it feels. . .
(i dont want to say it, but) meant to be.
and now im terrified.

can i really do this?
am i ready for this?
what if i fail?

what if i succeed?