"No Hard Feelings"
i woke this morning, too late to go to my african dance class, so i was immediately a bit self critical. not a good way to start the day. so subconsciously i started looking for places within my head where i could counter that criticism with some patting of my own back. i do this sometimes. it keeps me balanced.
my first thoughts drifted to last night. i spent last night talking to the previously mentioned given up on boy who doesnt like me and his new girlfriend (who by the way also works with us and so that whole we cant date because we work together thing was total bullox, but whatever...) and i actually really do like both of them as people and would like to be friends with them. and so the thought was
'wow, im so mature about this. no hard feelings at all'
which is mostly true. but then i thought about that statement, no hard feelings. and as i am a therapist and spend most of my waking life wading through feeling, whether they be mine or other peoples, i got curious about that moment when you rectify a wrong with this statement. promising no hard feelings. shaking on that agreement. in that moment do we really expect that we are going to be able to avoid any feeling that might be hard? feelings are hard, most of them anyway, and unless you have some zen sense of the world and your position in it, youre going to experience hard feelings. i woke up this morning with a hard feeling to feel. and therapisty as it sounds, im ok with that. well more ok than the opposite, which i see as the pushing down of difficult feelings and pretending to always be light and happy. life isnt all light and happy, and i dont think it was ever intended to be. somewhere along the line we decided to search for this fairytale ending. as if to say that if you were having a successful life you would be living happily ever after. but dont you think that cinderella got a bit depressed now and again even after the wedding? and what about snow white? she looks to me like she could have had some anger problems, especially with all those dwarfs around.
so as i sit here now im going to amend that statement.
'im proud of myself for not letting this boy and his new girl thing get weird, but some of these feelings, that im feeling right now, are hard.'
after reading through just now in order to edit, i then thought, well now were all ok with the having of these difficult feelings, whew load off. but then the next step would be to look at the feelings. what are they, why do i feel them, blah, blah,blah. i know i know, ive gotta start hanging out with people who arent therapists.
but anyways...so where do they come from? ego.
my 'if he likes her better and she is oh so cute and then i must compare myself in order to see exactly where i fall short in that comparison' thing starts and it is this bruising of my ego that makes my chest a bit tight. and yes rationally i know full well that these things dont always come down to whos more attractive or what have you, i have more than once turned down an attractive man because i just didnt feel it. so it is possible that i was turned down for a similar reason. but rationality has no place within my bruised ego. they dont play well together. no the best thing to do for my ego would be to go out and um get it stroked a bit, thus making it forget its painful bruise. now i recognize this is probably not the mature route that i was so proud of myself for, but all the same i know its effective. youve got to keep the little beast happy right? its like having a cat.
cats are independant. they can be loving and can curl up and let you pet their warm belly with all the purring and it is oh so nice. but they can also be vengeful and vindictive. they are experts at knowing just what to scratch up, or pull out and lose or in the worst cases just where to leave that eternal cat urine smell. and so we keep them happy. we live in this eggshell state where we walk the line between im in charge here and im not going to push you too far. and so it goes with my ego.
i am in charge here, but im not going to push you too far either. a nice loose leash. i suppose the ultimate goal here is to not let it get bruised in the first place. which i admit i am very good at. how do i do that?
if you dont put it on the line, it cant get hurt. and so i generally dont put my ego on the line.
i am a reacter. i wait for the other in any situation to set the stage for whatever interaction we are going to have and then i react. its another way in which i can establish my control over the world around me.
and over the years i have become a very good reader of other people and am a sort of barometer for atmspheric pressure between us, and between others as well, which is a great party trick.
i know i should use my powers for good instead. but then if we start on the 'should' diatribe we have to move into the ...
'i should not let my ego have so much power. i should learn to move beyond ego. i should have more faith in that things happen for a reason. i should use this as a growth opportunity.'
but i hate shoulds.
and i dont want to walk that line just yet. not this morning.
this morning im going to use my little tricks to distract myself from my thoughts and my feelings and i am going to go into a bit of denial of the whole thing.
were talking all encompassing denial here.
"wow...im so mature about this, no hard feelings at all."
my first thoughts drifted to last night. i spent last night talking to the previously mentioned given up on boy who doesnt like me and his new girlfriend (who by the way also works with us and so that whole we cant date because we work together thing was total bullox, but whatever...) and i actually really do like both of them as people and would like to be friends with them. and so the thought was
'wow, im so mature about this. no hard feelings at all'
which is mostly true. but then i thought about that statement, no hard feelings. and as i am a therapist and spend most of my waking life wading through feeling, whether they be mine or other peoples, i got curious about that moment when you rectify a wrong with this statement. promising no hard feelings. shaking on that agreement. in that moment do we really expect that we are going to be able to avoid any feeling that might be hard? feelings are hard, most of them anyway, and unless you have some zen sense of the world and your position in it, youre going to experience hard feelings. i woke up this morning with a hard feeling to feel. and therapisty as it sounds, im ok with that. well more ok than the opposite, which i see as the pushing down of difficult feelings and pretending to always be light and happy. life isnt all light and happy, and i dont think it was ever intended to be. somewhere along the line we decided to search for this fairytale ending. as if to say that if you were having a successful life you would be living happily ever after. but dont you think that cinderella got a bit depressed now and again even after the wedding? and what about snow white? she looks to me like she could have had some anger problems, especially with all those dwarfs around.
so as i sit here now im going to amend that statement.
'im proud of myself for not letting this boy and his new girl thing get weird, but some of these feelings, that im feeling right now, are hard.'
after reading through just now in order to edit, i then thought, well now were all ok with the having of these difficult feelings, whew load off. but then the next step would be to look at the feelings. what are they, why do i feel them, blah, blah,blah. i know i know, ive gotta start hanging out with people who arent therapists.
but anyways...so where do they come from? ego.
my 'if he likes her better and she is oh so cute and then i must compare myself in order to see exactly where i fall short in that comparison' thing starts and it is this bruising of my ego that makes my chest a bit tight. and yes rationally i know full well that these things dont always come down to whos more attractive or what have you, i have more than once turned down an attractive man because i just didnt feel it. so it is possible that i was turned down for a similar reason. but rationality has no place within my bruised ego. they dont play well together. no the best thing to do for my ego would be to go out and um get it stroked a bit, thus making it forget its painful bruise. now i recognize this is probably not the mature route that i was so proud of myself for, but all the same i know its effective. youve got to keep the little beast happy right? its like having a cat.
cats are independant. they can be loving and can curl up and let you pet their warm belly with all the purring and it is oh so nice. but they can also be vengeful and vindictive. they are experts at knowing just what to scratch up, or pull out and lose or in the worst cases just where to leave that eternal cat urine smell. and so we keep them happy. we live in this eggshell state where we walk the line between im in charge here and im not going to push you too far. and so it goes with my ego.
i am in charge here, but im not going to push you too far either. a nice loose leash. i suppose the ultimate goal here is to not let it get bruised in the first place. which i admit i am very good at. how do i do that?
if you dont put it on the line, it cant get hurt. and so i generally dont put my ego on the line.
i am a reacter. i wait for the other in any situation to set the stage for whatever interaction we are going to have and then i react. its another way in which i can establish my control over the world around me.
and over the years i have become a very good reader of other people and am a sort of barometer for atmspheric pressure between us, and between others as well, which is a great party trick.
i know i should use my powers for good instead. but then if we start on the 'should' diatribe we have to move into the ...
'i should not let my ego have so much power. i should learn to move beyond ego. i should have more faith in that things happen for a reason. i should use this as a growth opportunity.'
but i hate shoulds.
and i dont want to walk that line just yet. not this morning.
this morning im going to use my little tricks to distract myself from my thoughts and my feelings and i am going to go into a bit of denial of the whole thing.
were talking all encompassing denial here.
"wow...im so mature about this, no hard feelings at all."
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