i want to get hurt

i want to hit the pavement
my air knocked out
the black coming around the edges
thoughtless.

in that breathless moment
i imagine
i will feel whole.
i have always felt most whole
on the ground
splayed out
like Leonardo's man.
its where i feel safest.
and i cannot feel whole
if i am not safe.
and i am not safe.
i have never been safe.

lying on the floor
in a dark room
alone
is my safest place.

and my breath does leave me then.
but not with the force of a hit.
it leaves me slowly
in a long exhale
and at the end
i have no energy
to inhale again.
and so i am left empty
on the floor
alone.
and there i am safest.