give me a reason.

i woke up yesterday
alone
and more than that
lonely.
more so than usual
and usual is big
to me.
and so this one
was bigger
more.
it hurt.
i didnt eat today
had no appetite
i cant
i cant take anything in.
too much in
too much out
too fucking much.

i want to be together
but i want
on my terms,
together
but not one.
not her
or him
but us
i need my place.
i need my own place.

i want to lose my foot
my ground.
i want to lose my
control.
but not alone,
not without,
not just because.
because.

i need a reason.